28. February 2017 Sam Ryter

What I’ve Learned From Falling In Love (Guestpost)

What I've Learned From Falling in Love - George Howard

For all those who have ever been in a deep and intense relationship, you must know how much you can learn from it. This article today, is not from me personally but from an amazing and incredible friend of mine – Mr. George Howard. It’s a longer but very detailed, vulnerable and personal post with such inspiring and great teachings about what he has learned from falling in love and getting intimate in a relationship.

I admire people who have the courage to share so vulnerably. Who just share from their hearts. I believe that’s when we connect and relate the most to each other – because at the end of the day, we’re all human beings… His genuineness is one of the reasons why I have big respect for George.

Now, let’s dive into it, read it with an open mind and enjoy!

I didn’t have a long-term relationship till I was 24 years old, I was ‘alone’ for 24 years of my life.

I had my family sure, I had my friends of course, but I didn’t have that one person that I was deeply connected too. I didn’t know what that “falling in love feeling” felt like.

My own space, insightfulness and the books/people I was inspired by ended up taking me on a journey of personal development.

One that developed me into the person I am extremely grateful to be today.

Feeling Inadequate as a Teen

The thing is that throughout my teen years I felt very much inadequate, I felt small being me even though I shot up to 6 foot 4 inches tall at 15-16 years old and ended up growing to 6 foot 6 inches tall….. I felt small.

I just didn’t feel like much of a presence, I didn’t feel worthy or good enough.

I didn’t feel good looking or comfortable in my own skin, a lot of people seemed to think I was good looking and good to be around, but did I? No.

Girls came into my life either through my own advances or theirs and I loved having them around me, the thing is I felt scared to tell them just that.

I felt scared to let them too close to me.

I was afraid to get hurt, I was scared of heartbreak, so much so that I avoided relationships altogether for more than a few weeks at a time.

I was so scared in fact that I didn’t allow myself to have sexual intercourse with a woman until I was around 23 years old. I could have enjoyed that feeling of intimacy many times, yet I was afraid to take that step forward through fear of ridicule or not being good enough.

I held myself back so much.

The Dilemma of Seeking Love and feeling Unable to Receive Love

There was such a regretful pain to this that I often pushed deep within, it was deeply regretful because if there was one thing I craved growing up from a young age above all else was that someone to love and be loved by.

Deeply. I wanted a girl/woman in my life.

I wanted to feel that feeling of love, I wanted to have someone to cuddle with at night just being in the bliss of feminine energy.

I just didn’t know how to let go, I just didn’t know how to be truly vulnerable.

I was scared to take the leap that would bring new out of my comfort zone experiences to my life.

My Commitment

So as I mentioned briefly already along this journey up until my early twenties I was on a journey of self-development. (This learning and growing has never stopped for me, and I sincerely hope it never does).

  • I didn’t want to feel held back anymore, I wanted to be able to interact in the world effortlessly, relaxed and comfortable being me.
  • I wanted to be able to meet women whenever I liked and have incredible connections.
  • I wanted to be a great lover of women, one who lit up their life no matter how long I was a part of it.
  • I wanted to feel like a man, a powerful loving presence, one who was brave and bold but at the same time able to be vulnerable and allow others into the very depths of my being.
  • I could see it so clearly, I was willing to do whatever it took.

So I made a commitment and I went forth with that.

I would no longer hold myself back, at least not in the way I had been doing before.

I remember I began writing affirmations on my phone, I can’t remember exactly what they were but things like – “I am worthy of being loved, “I am confident”, “I am relaxed in myself” etc… I repeated these a couple of times a day, every day for months on end.

I committed to my love of women, I loved women, I always have and always will, it was no longer going to be about me. I wanted to give my all to this.

What happened when I committed to something higher than me

This was about so much more than me, I began to feel I was serving something much bigger than myself and of course if I held back I was letting down others as much as myself.

I committed to coming from my heart in my interactions, letting go of the outcomes but simply giving what I felt I authentically wanted to give.

That commitment made me the person I am today.

I built up my self-love, I became relaxed in myself, I became me!

I started CHOOSING who I had in my life, that was a big shift, I wasn’t needy anymore.

But I could also show that I wanted someone around me, I found it was okay to tell people that I loved having them in my life, it was a beautiful gift.

I found strength in who I am, I found presence and love.

Then it happened.

Falling in Love

I found a woman, a woman I fell deeply in love with.

Everything changed from that moment on.

Massively.

The last 2 years I have learnt an incredible amount about myself, all those years of not being in a long-term relationship and working on myself had led me to this relationship here and now.

I couldn’t have experienced this the way I have experienced it if I didn’t go through the development that I had gone through alone, I just couldn’t have and I’ll explain more on that further along the article.

This relationship with this woman is the one I’ve always envisioned throughout my life, it feels so amazing for it to be a reality.

The beautiful thing is no matter what happens now in my life, I will always have these beautiful memories of loving and being loved deeply.

That to me is bliss.

What I want to talk about most in this article is how for so many years I thought I was my greatest teacher, I thought my own self-awareness was enough.

But it turns out there is something much much greater in giving me lessons to learn by in my life.

I found my new greatest teacher.

The one who quickly became my MIRROR.

My girl.

I learnt that the ones we are deeply connected too are our greatest mirrors.

She has taught me SO much.

Getting Intimate and Forgetting the Past

Now I’ll go back to the bit earlier about how I said I couldn’t have been in the relationship I am in now and be that loving presence in her life in the same way if my life hadn’t panned out the way it did.

The reason I say this is because my girl, the love of my life went through a heartbreaking, abusive and manipulative relationship before she met me.

For 4 years she put up with things I just couldn’t ever imagine having to have to experience, it saddens me to the core to know this beautiful woman, such a loving and kind soul was put through hell.

She told me a few months into our relationship that after that experience was over she literally thought she would never be in a relationship again, she had lost interest, she was pushed to the edge of her existence.

When I met her, my intentions were to give as much as possible from my heart without expecting anything back, I was at a point when I had no attachment to the outcome. I wasn’t looking for sex, I wasn’t looking for validation or someone to cling to.

I just wanted to have an amazing time and I felt so grateful to be in this woman’s presence, it was and still is utter bliss.

I showed her that, I made it clear that is what I felt.

She felt it too, she knew I was different to the other guys she had met in her life and I knew she was different to the other girls I had met.

We clicked so beautifully.

Connecting in other ways

For the first couple of months of our relationship we didn’t have sexual intercourse, we connected in so many other ways, we didn’t have to talk about this, it wasn’t a decision we talked over it just flowed naturally that way.

We could do anything, just sitting there together silently sometimes was enough for us as long as we were in each other’s presence.

Now, I don’t judge others for what they tell me, especially if it is a deeply vulnerable act, EVER.

To me someone speaking their heart to me is such a beautiful gift and I would never exploit that.

My girl felt that from me and she also shared that value, she loves so unconditionally, it is so inspiring, to be through what she has been through and still have the courage to love so deeply.

Wow.

Peeling Away The Layers Of Fear

Slowly we got more and more vulnerable with each other, we peeled away the layers until there was nothing left, we know each other to the core of our beings.

Over the 2 years we’ve been together (which seems so much longer) she has healed an incredible amount, she shines so bright..

She even quit smoking and drinking, she began eating healthily and ethically, she began loving herself again.

It has been incredible to see this process and I am so proud to be the one that allowed (alongside her) this healing process to happen.

Showing up with a ‘full cup’

If I hadn’t built the self-love that I have, if I didn’t work on myself and learn to live from my heart, if I didn’t lose my attachment to sex and my ego then I couldn’t have been this loving presence in her life.

Before, it would have been about me, the inner dialogue of “am I good enough?”, “ am I worthy enough?” “will she like me?” would of got in the way of the love I that I wanted to give her.

If I was looking for her to “fill my cup” then we couldn’t of been together, it would of crashed and burned because for her to heal she needed to be loved, loved by someone who had a lot of love to give (from a full cup).

She has inspired me so much to be the greatest I can be and she shows me myself every single day who I really am, we are each other’s mirror.

  • I have never been as self-aware as I am now in this relationship.
  • I learn something new about myself every single day.
  • I am a powerful coach now because of this relationship.
  • I am a better writer now because of this relationship.
  • I feel more gratitude and joy in my heart because of this relationship.
  • I am more committed to being love more than ever because of this relationship.
  • I am supported and inspired by my Queen.
  • I am so committed to being the best Partner I can be for this woman.

The Challenges of a Relationship

Now don’t get me wrong it hasn’t been the easiest of journeys, I have made it sound very bright and colourful but of course just like anyone else fears have tried to crop up in our relationship.

Those imaginary obstacles that fear can so often bring to our relationships.

The fear of abandonment, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of having my heart broken, the fear of loving so deeply and losing it all the next day.

All these have come up for me and I have felt them completely, it has not only been a healing process for my girl, but one for me also.

I have felt pain in my heart from missing her when she once went on holiday when I couldn’t go with her that haunted my dreams for months, it was a fear that came up that I would be abandoned, something that cropped up from my childhood.

It hit me like a tonne of bricks.

But I felt it, I didn’t hide away from it, I went inside myself and felt it as deeply as possible.

I cried my eyes out.

But let me tell you all what delving into my fears and delving into my childhood pain has brought to my life –

  • I’ve never felt more authentic and free to be me.
  • I’ve never felt more masculine and powerful.
  • I’ve never felt I could be so vulnerable and know it is power so well.
  • I’ve never felt more brave and bold.
  • I’ve never felt more committed to love, fearlessly.

All these things have been created by me and my girl, together.

I genuinely feel it couldn’t have been done alone for either of us.

Learning from Relationships

My point is this – committed relationships will rock us into the ground, they will test us, push us to our edge, bring fear to the deepest parts of our hearts, have us splayed naked and vulnerable before each other, scared and anxious, sometimes ready to run away as fast as we can.

And after all of this if we are willing to dive deeper still into this committed relationship then we create within us the Kings and Queens we were born to be.

We create a commitment to love that is so powerful it creates an unstoppable strength within.

A willingness to step courageously into a relationship with the right person will take our personal growth to the next level, the learning never stops.

Life as a journey of learning

Life is a journey and it runs it’s course the way it does often for a very good reason, we make choices then the universe co-creates with us after those choices have been made.

It doesn’t matter what things have come our way in our lives, many of the reasons I felt inadequate and had limiting beliefs around relationships growing up was because of things like bullying at school, the television programmes and news I watched that my parents exposed me too and many more influences that infiltrate our young brains.

Many people around me made me feel small and afraid to make mistakes for fear of more ridicule.

I let them do this, I chose to play small in their presence.

I grew up in a fearful paradigm, I had every choice to change whenever I would like. I just simply didn’t know how.

And that’s okay.

It’s always our choice

No matter what comes our way growing up we can make new choices, there always comes a time when we can make new choices that bring empowerment to our lives.

We must come to a point where enough is enough and that we must no longer play small, no longer be held back by limiting fears and beliefs and instead move toward something that means so much to us that nothing could possibly stand in our way.

Many, many people have had much worse experiences than I have while growing up, my beautiful Partner, the person most close to me is one example of this.

  • She also chose that path, just like I did mine.
  • She also chose to break out of it, she chose to allow someone into her life who loved her for who she is.
  • She chose unbelievable courage to allow someone into the depths of her heart after going through so much pain and heartbreak.
  • She also wouldn’t be the person she is today without those challenges, she has so much strength, resilience, gratitude, kindness and love that have all strengthened from the experiences that came her way.

What stands out at the end: Courage.

It has been said that saying that courage is the answer to the life we truly want is an oversimplification, that for many it takes so much more than courage.

But I disagree, everything we ever want no matter what moments of pain we have been through in our lives takes courage to create.

Sometimes this courage is immense, gargantuan and stupendous, but it is courage all the same.

With a willingness to be courageous, nothing can stop us living the life we most desire.

If there is one thing I would love for you to take away is that when you get the chance, when the moment comes that you are aware that you want to choose a different path and that you want to choose to live a magnificent life whatever form that may take for them then please go at it full force.

We must use all the strength and courage that we possess even if this means taking the smallest of steps in the direction that we desire.

We must take that tiny step every single day.

All that we want is the other side of that seemingly impenetrable fear.

All it takes is the courage to GO forth with love in our hearts.

Lets not wait another moment.

G.

What did we learn from this?

…This was probably the best way to end this article: Let’s not wait for another moment.

I could write another 1000 words about what I’ve learned in this article about George’s experiences. It inspired me.

What stands out for me is this incredible ability of patience. The question came up to me: What if there’s no rush in any relationship? What if we can take our time to unpeeling the layers of fear instead of ‘forcing a connection’? That’s what I see get’s broadly ignored in our society.

It’s a beautiful journey George went through, and maybe you have recognised: As soon as he developed love for women, he actually opened himself up for a relationship. When we get clear on what we want and shift our focus away from what we don’t want in our lives, then we set up the best foundation to receive, to connect, to enjoy.

What have you learned from George’s story? What inspired you most? Let us know in the comments!

At last, I want to share my honest and sincere appreciation for George. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing article with us!

George is a professional coach and he helps people to create better and deeper relationships in their lives. He is an amazing friend and he is happy to connect with you! If you want to connect with George directly and share your thoughts you can do that via Facebook.

Connect with George on Facebook

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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.