18. July 2017 Sam Ryter

The Judge In The Bedroom

Judge in the bedroom, feeling judged in the bedroom. Sam Ryter

We grow up in a society where we learn to be a certain type of ‘person’ in order to be ‘good enough’.

We learn to wear a mask. A mask that makes us occur perfect to others. Social Media helps us with that. We are only to share the filtered beautiful, the fun, the adventure.

But what happens when people get naked?

What happens when there’s nothing more to hide?

What when we have to face the truth?

It is where intimacy starts…

You can only go as deep with others as you can go with yourself.

People have an urge for making love with each other, a desire to connect, a drive to merge.

And yet, while engaging in the deepest physical connection, people usually are not ready – emotionally.

The judge occurs when we feel most vulnerable.

I call him: The judge in the bedroom.

It’s the internal voice that keeps the mind occupied with fear.

Intimacy is letting go of the mask. And as long as we don’t take off the mask, we can never experience what we deeply look for.

People forget to make love, but learn to make fear.

Afraid of showing their imperfections, afraid of being recognised of their true beauty.

As we learn to accept our humanity, to see the perfection in the imperfection, we can relax, let go of the pressure, and we can drop into the moment with our partner.

It’s a ‘healing’ place. A place where people experience something beyond their minds, beyond of what ‘makes sense’ and beyond of what the mind could ever expect.

A place where there’s no fear, but love.

Here’s a story about the judge in the bedroom. About feeling judged while making love. 

It’s about the fight of a man, with his inner judge. And how he made peace.

This story applies to both, men and women. Because we are all human.

There was a judge in his bedroom.

And he would always show up when he was just about to get intimate with his wife.

Just when they got naked and about to have sex…

A fear occured, within him, that he won’t be able to make his sexual organs work for him.

That always used to be the moment where the judge started to do his work.

“You’re always so insecure. You should be leading, you should show that you’re a man, maybe you’re not good enough for her. If you won’t perform, she will leave you…”

He used to believe the words of the judge. He suffered. And each time he got into a fight with the judge – trying to proof his innocence.

His wife had to wait while he was fighting. Sometimes she waited forever.

They rarely made love. Instead he went to war.

One day he was too tired to keep on fighting against the judge. He gave up before they even started to battle.

He heard the judgements coming. But he didn’t care. He acknowledged them and for the first time, he truly listened.

And the moment he truly listened he started to realise that the judgements were not real.

And the moment he stopped taking the judgements personally, he gained compassion towards the judge itself.

He made peace.

Once he stopped the battle, he was able to make love.

Able to enjoy.

Able to be in this moment.

To appreciate the beautiful woman in front of him.

To appreciate the aliveness, life itself.

The play of consciousness. The play of his thoughts and emotions… With their ups and downs.

The judge may stayed with him forever. But it was never about killing him, but about accepting him, seeing him, loving him.

Because he is the judge.


Are you familiar with the judge in the bedroom?

When does he usually show up? Comment below!

Photo by David Cohen on Unsplash

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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.