20. December 2016 Sam Ryter

The way to be a more social and loving person (change your life in 30 days) (8 min read)

How to be a more social and loving person.

Did you know that 30 days from now, you could be a complete different person! Even if all the odds are against you. This article shows how we can literally transform our personalities from fear into a social, connected and loving person.

We live in a world where people live in separation. We’re all more connected on social media but less and less we experience real human to human connections. We live in survival-mode, in stress, most of the time. When it comes to human interactions we hold back.  We are afraid of not being enough. We don’t express our true nature. We don’t speak our truth.

I not only believe that the world would become a better place if we’d focus on being more social and loving human beings, but also that our own personal reality can drastically change. So that we are no longer victims of fears that hold us back from expressing our true selves.

Becoming a more social and loving person not only creates more loving relationships, but also has incredible effects on career, health and the sense of meaning we have to our lives. This really is not just a ‘nice to have-thing’, but we must focus on growing as a human being.

Complete changes are possible

In my profession in helping people to create better, deeper and more impactful relationships in their lives, the question: “How can we become more social and loving human beings?” plays a major role. Because I know how crucial it is for our well being and the quality of our lives.

I found that we, as human beings are social creatures. It’s our default. And deep down, our actions are driven by the needs of love and connection.

But behind our percieved reality there is a cycle of beliefs that drives our lives. The way we act, behave, experience, and are.


I see it over and over again that complete transformations in the way people show up, think, feel and respond to life are possible and they happen on a regular basis. >> Here’s what they say

By the time we understand that it’s just our thinking that hinders us from stepping up and being expressive, open and more loving and giving people, – we can make conscious decisions to change and our whole world shifts.

So let’s explore the cycle.

1. Your thoughts determine your choices

It all starts with a thought and every choice you make is rooted in a thought.

Our thoughts are incredibly powerful. 

A fearful thought can lead you to fearful choices. On the other hand, a loving thought can lead you to loving and connected action.

We have up to 70’000 thoughts a day. The ‘problem’ is that 90% of those thoughts are the same as the day before.

Now imagine, a fearful thought is repeated day by day and it constantly determines your choices until it becomes a belief, a habit. It becomes who (you think) you are.

But you are not your thoughts. And still, our thoughts have a massive impact on our lives.

So many people have the same distructive thoughts every day. And you can not only see it in their behaviour and the way they show up, but you can also feel it.

Your thoughts determine your choices. And your choices are the roots of your behaviour.

2. Your behaviour determines your experience

Let’s continue the cycle. Choices are the roots of your behaviour. And your behaviour creates your own life experience.

How you show up in the world and if you experience love and connection or fear and stress depends on you. You can show up from a place of appreciation and see life as a gift or you can see threat in everything.

Byron Katie has this wonderful quote: “You can’t hurt me, only I can do that”

This quote is so profound, because what you experience on the outside is the mirror of your inside.

Imagine sitting in a bar with me. After a while, someone walks up and calls each one of us an „asshole“.

Now, just by hearing that word, I might react completely different than you. I might get triggered, angry. Having this huge feeling of injustice. Getting into confrontation, into a fight. And my whole day would be messed up – because of one particular word.

You might react completely different. You hear the word and might think: „Wow, that’s interesting. How much does this expression have to do with me, and how much with this persons own pain?” And you might realise that you did something that triggered something within the other person. Now you learned something about the pain points of the other person. You learned something about yourself.

3. Your experience determines your emotions

What you experience in your life has a direct effect on your emotions – and those emotions again have a direct effect on our thoughts… The cycle completes itself.

So eventually the way you feel is determines the quality of your life.

You can experience attack, threat and humiliation from the guy that throws the word ‘asshole’ at you. Or you can experience compassion, love, and curiosity from the same event.

Now, what often happens is that people are affected by an emotion for years. They are stuck in the same ‘negative’ thought cycle. And they believe that’s who they are.

Someone broke their heart years ago, and they keep on living by the same emotion without realising that they can change the perspective on that past event.

Or we believe that we are the introvert, the shy person, the unconfident, the unworthy, unloved person. And we repeat this cycle day by day…

If this is how you think, feel, experience, this eventually is who you become.

On the other hand, if we want to live in a state of love, connection, freedom we can change the way we perceive our experience.

Change your Personality to change your Personal Reality

We have to change our thoughts to change our lives. And this is not an easy thing. Especially when we are so conditioned to think a certain distructive way.

The first step is to become aware and to change your focus on what you want.

This is what changes lives completely. My life transformed, the day I choose to change my thoughts. To focus on what I wanted instead of what I didn’t, and since then, this phenomenon has shown up over and over again.

I was working with someone who cured himself after suffering from social anxiety and panic attacks. We’ve had also seen people from struggling financially transforming and creating a 6 figure income. Literally anything becomes possible as we change our focus.

You can make yourself sick, separated, stressed, but you can also become someone that experiences love towards everything and everyone. It’s all a decision. And that puts you in an incredibly powerful position.

That means we don’t have to be the victims of our limitations any longer.

The problem is that most people try to change their personal reality without changing their personality. Means they want the change, but they keep on thinking the same distructive thoughts. They keep on complaining, they keep on blaming. They keep on focussing on what they don’t want.

Lasting Change

So how can we create lasting change, that we don’t fall back into our old patterns again?

As I mentioned above, the first step is awareness and to change your focus consciously. That might take some time until your new way of thinking becomes a habit.

As human beings change, what often comes up at first is: “It, somehow doesn’t feel right.” And that’s why most people block themselves from changes.

We have certain beliefs about ourselves that have been repeated for years and become a part of our identity. But in fact, change doesn’t really ‘feel not right’, the new feeling is just unfamiliar.

“Does it feel ‘not right’ or does it feel just unfamiliar”?

Change is not an easy thing because we tend to fall back into what is familiar to us. Even if those patterns are incredibly destructive.

In pain, we feel at home.

So what creates lasting change is when we detach from the image of who we think we are. Because that image is just created by your thoughts. It’s not you.

We have to understand that we are more than our bodies, more than our past, more than our reality, more than the identity we give ourselves. Because eventually, within everyone is infinite love and power.

Change your life in 30 days – And become a connected and loving person

So the next 30 days I want to challenge you. Because change happens when we are consistantly making conscious decisions to show up differently in this world.

Sometimes people try for 1-2 days, and after that they step back into their ‘old self’.

But the more love you give, the more love you get. Showing up from a place of love and re-conditioning yourself to trust in yourself will change your life.

Studies have shown that our brain needs around 27 days to pick up on a new habit. Habits are simply behaviours. And behaviours drive our experience and emotions.

I invite you to make a conscious change. Because we live in a world full of fearful-leaders. But we can be a leader by example. We can step up, take responsibility and constantly reminding ourselves that we can choose the way we think. We can choose on what we focus on. We can choose on how we show up.

Welcome to the team!


Question: How do you choose to show up in the future? I’m curious about your aspirations for 2017. Let me know in the comments. How would you like to show up? How would you like to be percieved by others?

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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.

Comments (4)

  1. reginaldo

    Hi my dear lovely mentor
    I learned here that change is free will.
    each person has ability to choose, what kind of life wants to take or to follow.
    each person is responsible of his life, we have authority to over rule our life, through changing the mode of thinking.these teachings help me to reach a certain point, that most people dont change for better because of lack of living faith in their thinking, their think they are born for that, and there is no way to change.
    so i believe it happen when we live in a place of fear, where there is no love. because more we give love more love we receive.
    change it comes over, when a person decide to live in the world of love instead of fear, because lovekindness has ability to change evil mind behaviour, wich is failure and insecure to the positive one wich is peace of mind and joy that everything is possible to change into new things.

    any way 2017 for me am thinking of starting building a temple, where we’ll gather and learning more as well.
    and your contribuition and donation is full welcome i really appreciate…

    Thank you alot, and wishing you a Christmas week Blessings!!!

    • Sam Ryter

      Thanks Reginaldo!! all the best back to you! And all the best for your mission.

  2. David

    Great article Sam! I look forward to the unconditional january challenge. My aspirations for 2017 are to express myself unconditionally and be more social even in situations where I feel afraid.

    • Sam Ryter

      that’s Amazing!! Thanks David, I will send out the infos for unconditionaljanuary in the next days!

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