Most relationships fail, or never really come to flourish because one or more of the 3 core needs are not met. If you find yourself in some relationship struggles or if you’re just wondering how you can create fulfilling relationships in your life, then this short article is for you!
I’ve been through some relationship struggles by myself the last weeks and I see those struggles as big learning-lessons and signposts about myself. Those situations give such a great opportunity to zoom out from the victim role and to see the bigger picture.
There’s no challenge without a gift for you.
Reflecting on my own life, I realise that, especially in those ‘tough’ and painful times – I learned most about myself. I learned most about others. I learned most about my relationships. And over the last years I’ve seen very similar patterns in other relationships I’ve observed. Having clarity about the human needs in a relationship often gives us a direction where to take things next.
We as human beings all crave for basic human needs. There are several models but Tony Robbins – one of the world’s leading life-coaches – broke them down in a very simple and yet profound way. According to Robbins, the 6 human needs are:
Each one of us values those needs differently but related to relationships it primarily comes back to 3 major needs.
- Love & Connection
If you’re wondering why relationships are not working the way you want, why they fail, or why they never really come to flourish, then probably, one of those major needs is not fulfilled.
Love & Connection
A relationship doesn’t work if there’s no sense of love and connection. And a lack of love and connection is often not created because “we don’t love each other” but usually it’s created by overthinking. An insecurity. (Here’s how to get out of your head, and how you can stop overthinking things)
How to create love and connection
Now, we can’t force a connection, but what we can do is to give in our part. It means to surrender. To accept ourselves for whom we are. For our flaws. For not being perfect. And accept the other person for exactly the same things.
My old mentor John Cooper once told me to see a woman as a goddess. I believe this applies to how we perceive everyone around us. If it’s a love-relationship or a friendship. How do we see the other person? Do we appreciate them for their beauty or do we focus on our own insecurities and being afraid of judgement?
To fulfil the need of love & connection, we have to surrender. We have to appreciate. We have to come from a place of love first. Unconditionally.
We can’t control the outcome. We can’t control the response. But we can take leadership and set the foundation and appreciate and accept the other person… and ourselves.
Your presence is love. It is the greatest gift you can give to someone.
People want to feel important. Dale Carnegie already mentioned that in “How to make friends and influence people” (one of the greatest books ever written on the topic relationships).
Focus on being a good listener. Even the most ill-tempered person, the most violent critic, will often be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener.
Does this person feel significant in my presence?
This question can move mountains. Feeling important to someone builds trust.
Many people hold back from making people feel significant. But in fact, they are just afraid of their own insignificance. Fact is: If we would truly listen, we would start to understand the other person better.
But often we don’t listen. We’re just concerned about our own stuff… Often we blind ourselves so much about the needs of the other person, that one day a relationship breaks… and we can’t understand why.
Don’t hold back. Don’t play the game. Give in all you have. Make the other person feel important. Whoever it is. If it’s a little kid, your neighbour, your love-relationship, your family.
If you want to create a fulfilling relationship, then move your attention to the other person. Make him/her feel significant.
If I feel uncertain, if I don’t feel safe, I won’t be ever able to relax. We need a sense of certainty that sets a core foundation. Otherwise it’s hard to let go of our limiting fears.
…and we all have them.
But once we trust, we can let go. We can finally take off the mask. We can finally allow ourselves to be who we are. This is where people start to express themselves, because they are not afraid of the outcome.
This is so important for an honest, real and fulfilling relationship.
If you are the one that gives a person the certainty that she/he is accepted for everything they are, you can meet the person on a deeper level than just the surface.
That’s when we get to the core.
Certainty is trust. It’s the base for a true and honest relationship.
To experience fulfilling relationships: Stop playing the game
Sometimes we get stuck in our own stories. And we try to make sense out of the actions and behaviour of the other person. This is being a victim of the circumstances, and most of us fall into that pattern at times.
But often it’s not about the story. It’s not really about judging a behaviour that brings us further but to become aware of those 3 needs.
Did I nourish those 3 needs in the past?
As mentioned above, often we don’t nourish those needs, because of our own insecurities. But as we realise that through holding back, through playing a game, we distance ourselves more and more from what we truly want.
There’s no golden key for creating amazing relationships but if we focus on helping the other person, to fulfil those needs, then the chances rise.
Be the naked warrior
All we can do is to bring in our part. We can’t force a close and great relationship. But what we can focus on is to give our all to fulfil those needs.
It needs courage. It’s a surrendering to love.
And as we let go of the need to play the game, we start meeting others on a deeper, honest, real level. And eventually we realise – that we can’t get hurt.
That the only one that can hurt me is myself.