This read is about my story. The story I told myself. It’s a tough one and at the same time a really beautiful one. When I was a 10 year old boy, I had an experience that changed my life. I was in primary school and every year we had a soccer tournament in the neighbourhood. So every school-class attended with 2 teams. The goal was to win the local primary-school championship.
I was in an uncomfortable position. Even though I was quiet a good player, by that time I was a victim of bullying. This lasted for about 6-10 months.
I believe everyone who has ever experienced bullying as a victim, knows exactly how painful and tough this is. Wow, that was really a lot of pain.
Kids are tough and can also be very rough with each other. Bullying sometimes works like a virus. It starts small and gets bigger and bigger. Tougher and tougher. After a while, a group dynamic was created. Even my best friend turned himself against me.
What a painful experience. It was one of the hardest, sadest and loneliest times in my life. Nobody who would understand. Nobody I could have talked to.
And then there was this soccer tournament. The teams were created by the kids. And because I had no ‘status’ by that time, nobody wanted me in their team.
I remember hearing my, so called, friends laughing “haha, nooo we don’t want Sam in our team”. I stood quiet in the corner. Like an ice cold shower, the feeling of unworthiness hit me and flowed from my head, down my back, into my whole body. I shut down. And I honestly was overwhelmed, I didn’t know how to handle the situation.
The tournament started the next Sunday. I heard the loudspeakers shouting out who had won the game, who will play next and how amazing, and fun this day is. I sat with my football in the garden of my parents, tried to play by myself and I realised how lonely I was.
I loved to play soccer. But alone it’s just so much harder. I realized that no one wanted to play with me. I started to cry.
In that moment, this little boy built an internal wall. I wish I could have been with him. Like an older brother, holding his hand. Telling him that it’s fine. Hugging him. Giving him the love that he thought someone took from him.
It was so much pain, somehow and this 10 year old Sam was looking for a protection. And he found one. A story.
The story of “I’m not good enough”.
I realized a couple of years ago, how this story affected my life without even knowing it.
Not being good enough. Holding back. Not following the heart – cause I won’t ‘succeed’.
It helped me wonderfully through my childhood. It protected me from doing risky things. It protected me from doing something I wasn’t all sure about. It protected me from doing a “mistake” many times. I was more cautious in countless situations. Ultimately, it brought me to the place where I am now.
But as I grew up, my life, my surroundings, my circles, my focus, basically everything started to change.
Only the story stayed the same. Deep within myself. Supressed for many years.
Any situation in my life, where I didn’t feel ‘good enough’, triggered the same feeling, the same pain. My reaction: To completely shut down.
The same way I shut down when I was standing in the corner as a 10 year old boy when I heard the kids laughing about me. It was the reaction of little Sam to protect himself, and so it was for the adult Sam.
The pain was still within myself. The wound was still bleeding. That’s why I experience the same pain, over and over again in my life. Like a pattern.
I thought it was the particular event in the present. But if I’m really honest: It was not about the event, not what happened. It was the wound, the trigger within me.
A glass hits the floor and falls into pieces. There are 2 ways to react. Some people are going to be upset and emotionally affected, some are observing the moment and make the best out of the situation.
It is not the event. It is how we perceive it.
To me, it was the same trigger that already hurt the little 10 year old boy in the garden.
I dove deep with myself. I wanted to find out about that trigger. So I wrote. And wrote. And wrote.
I found out about this story. I remembered the little boy in the garden. Sad, lonely, lost. I forgot about him for over 10 years. I refused to face his pain. I distracted myself when he was trying to give me a sign. But this time I could see him. I became aware what’s still within.
I gave him the love he deserves. I forgave him. I held his hand, I hugged him. I told him about how beautiful life is, something he knew better than me anyways.
I found tears on my piece of paper… The first time in my life I gave myself the love that I was always seeking for…
We all carry our own stories with us. They are here to protect. There is this little thing within that just wants us to be happy and not being hurt. And it’s fine.
These stories bring us to a specific point in our lives. They let us grow, they let us experience, they make us the way we are.
But so often are exactly these stories that brought us here, are the ones that hold us back from the next level.
What is your story?
That’s where I like to work with my clients. Deep. And powerful. What many people misunderstand when they hear ‘coaching’. “What coaching? I don’t need coaching…” :) It’s their story they have from themselves. It really is about making great people, outstanding.
But let’s get back to the core: Remember when you were a kid? Everything was amazing. Everything was beautiful. There was so much love coming out of you. So much curiosity, so much fun, wisdom and beauty. Everything was pure and fun.
But being so open, means being vulnerable. We all experience it multiple times in our lives. And the kid starts to believe stories. The stories from parents, from other people and soon enough it creates its own.
I mentioned it before. Everyone has his own stories. Some people are aware of them, the majority is not.
Wow, I see a society running and chasing everywhere and everything. To fulfil a need. To avoid a pain. Without really knowing… why.
That’s why some people are triggered by little things and nobody really knows why. What is their story?
This is how humans are. We often don’t really know why we feel shit. The easiest excuse is always: “The others”.
…because they don’t know too much about themselves.
It’s time to find out. There is a lot of potential in this world. More balanced people, more joy, more open mindedness. Less pride, less anger, less stress.
Often these stories are not even true. We just make it real.
We experience so many inner fights. So many expectations on others, on ourselves and other things we can’t control.
Instead of asking ourselves if the story is even true. We just fight it. “I’m supposed to be this, that, and there…” We fight against ourselves. Subconsciously. That makes us run after things we don’t need.
Byron Katie often asks an amazing question. It might give you some inspiration to find out more about what’s going on. Finding out more about your beauty within yourself. Finding out more about that amazing potential, fun, joy that relies within you but is constantly supressed with a story… A story that is often not even true.
So, who would you be without your story?