7. February 2017 Sam Ryter

What I’ve learned from my sex-life (7min read)

Sex can be either a stressful act that drains out your energy and makes you feel worse than before or it can be an incredible co-creating, energizing, deep experience. Either way – there is a lot to learn. Your sex-life is the mirror of yourself.

I love to write about sex. I believe we talk too rarely about it – because of the labels we give to it. Yet it’s so important and at the moment there is so much confusion around this topic in our society.

Everyone is interested in it, a few really talk openly about it. We attach labels to it. It’s awkward, it’s too personal…

So my question comes up: How can we be afraid of talking about such a deep and beautiful act of love?  And what I feel could be the answer is that the majority doesn’t experience it that way.

I’d like to share some really personal stories with you, some of them are super funny and I believe they help so much in understanding our ‘thinking’ about those topics.

The little boy in confusion

What I’ve learned about sex in my early teenage years was in influenced by friends-stories, porn, and the media. I think I’ve lost my virginity by the age of 14 – and by then sex to me was already something defined by what I’ve seen in porn-movies.

So that’s where the journey started. The first time I’ve had sex, I was so nervous that I just couldn’t ejaculate (there were times years later where I wished I’ve had such endurance :) ). But as it was my ‘first time’ I wasn’t sure if everything was alright with my friend down there. So I called the teenage-help service…  And it was a huge relief for me to hear, that everything was alright, I just have to give myself some time to relax and to enjoy.

That was a big sign for me. And I was literally celebrating the next time – when it ‘worked’ for the first time. I lasted maybe for 3 min, but that didn’t matter, I was proud to have been able to ejaculate.

You should see my face while I’m writing these lines, I’m enjoying it so much and looking back I see a boy that was living in confusion about what sex really means, what it actually is.

This 14 year old boy had a very physical idea of ‘making-love’. It was just what he had learned.  Just the way society told him…

… And I was living by those patterns until my first years in my twenties.

The young performer: Defining masculinity by the performance

Sex to me was DICK+VAGINA=FUN. But it symbolized also: Stress and the fear of not proofing my masculinity.

I defined myself by the time I could last, by the size of my dick, by the speed, endurance. And if I wouldn’t perform up to my expectations, I’d feel worse, ashamed – I’d lose my self-worth.

And if you look at the ideals of the media, you know how hard it is to live up to those expectations. It’s almost impossible. So sex to me became a fight. A fight against myself.

Having sex against myself

When we look at sex from a different perspective, from a blank space, we see that it’s the deepest physical connection between two beings. It’s so much intimacy. Scary – as we are not used to just take off our masks. And to surrender.

Nowadays, sex has become a game. A game of not losing this mask. We play that game of ‘who impresses best’ against each other. It’s driven by fear. And that’s where the misery starts.

How can you enjoy sex, when you are afraid of intimacy?

I’ve experienced sex with someone, where I was only focussed on myself.  I was so afraid of  ‘not messing it up’, so concerned about my performance that I had no time to even care about the other person. I basically had sex against myself.

I was caught up in my thinking, not in the moment, and when I was done, I realised that I’ve missed the beauty of making love.

A whole society is craving for sex, and when we have it, we become so fearful and caught up in our heads that we can’t really enjoy it.

Making FEAR vs. Making LOVE

A zebra that is running from a lion has no time to create. Its only concern is to survive. It only cares about time, distance and environment.

I believe there are too many zebras in survival mode showing up in the bedroom.

In survival mode, there is no time to create. Survival mode means protection, avoidance, fear, no trust – it’s pure stress.

My ‘performance’ is an indicator of how much I trust myself. It’s clear to me that if I’m in survival mode there’s no time to enjoy. I’m acting out of fear and not out of love and I know that it has nothing to do with my physical abilities but more with the relationship I have with myself (btw. almost all sexual issues are created in our thinking).

But to me sex is creation. It’s connection, it’s feeling each other, it’s surrendering, it’s letting go of the mask. It is making love.

After all we’re not robots. We are human beings. Yes, with feelings.

How can we connect physically so deeply and avoid connecting on an emotional level?

Going beyond the physical

Fulfilling sex, to me, means giving all of me. Emotionally and physically.

It’s this space of trust and love. And what I realised is that in this space, there are no such thoughts about performance. There is clarity, there is relaxation. There is love.

When sex turns into ‘making love’ then all that used to be important for the fearful-ego becomes obsolete. Because we connect to a higher truth.

Wow, I can’t describe it in words – and if you have ever experienced it before you’ll be able to resonate – It’s a complete giving up of control. Where, somehow, the physical world disappears. Where you feel the other person so deeply and where there is this flow of energy circulating through both bodies. Those are the magical moments. There is no thinking. There is no survival. That is total co-creation.

It’s something so fulfilling, so amazing that, once experienced, it’s almost laughable if we hear someone talking about performance… Because we know how little meaning it has. It’s just more than that.

Changing the meaning

I don’t believe that there’s any Viagra pill needed. Period.

Girls don’t have worry about the size of their boobs and buts. And guys don’t have to worry about performance, dick-size etc. What if it’s not about those things?

What I believe is needed today is faith, appreciation and trust.

It’s about removing the layers of fear, about giving all of you. About appreciating the other person and see the beauty within. It’s about the process of co-creation.

I believe when we change the ‘goal’ from performance to appreciating the joy in the moment, sex gets a different meaning. That’s when we lose the outcome, when we get present, when we think less and feel more. That’s when we act out of intuition, when we let the energies flow.

Create a space of trust and love

I believe fulfilling and incredible sex happens then, when both totally trust each other. Then the experience becomes tantric. When everything around disappears.

Sex can be devastating – that’s why there is so much pain around this topic – when people are making ‘FEAR with each other instead of making LOVE.

We need to trust ourselves first, so that we can open up.

One-night-stands have always been hardest for me to relax. Many times it was overwhelming, I was too afraid of giving all of myself and I blocked, I tensed up. And I searched for external reasons when it really was my movie within.

Sex as a teacher for life

How you do one thing, is how you do everything.

In many ways, sex can be a step out of the comfort zone. For both, men and women.

Whenever we step out of the comfort zone we face our own little fears.

We live in a society that is afraid of intimacy.

My sex-life has taught me so much about myself. About the way I trust in my beauty, the way I open up to others and how devastating it can be if I try to protect myself.

I’ve built those walls in order to protect myself and I realised that, by doing that I was blocking myself from what I truly wanted, deep down in my heart – deep, loving, human-to-human connections.

I had to be very honest with myself. But then at one point I realised, it was never really about sex. Sex is just a form, an expression of making love.

It’s not about the outcome, it’s about making love, being together, enjoying the connection, appreciating each other, lifting each other up. Taking off the mask. Being human.

I’m most attracted to you, when you take off your mask.

Have you ever experienced this absolute space of trust with someone? How would you describe your experience? Let me know in the comments.

As always, I’m so grateful if you share this with one person you know, that can get value out of it! Thank you so much. 

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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.