24. January 2017 Sam Ryter

Meeting the dragon! – Fear of meeting other people (8min read)

Have you ever had a fear of meeting other people? Maybe it was someone in particular? In your body, you have this feeling of insecurity. Nervousness. Even pain. It get’s hot and cold. And all the worst-case-stories run through your head?

While writing these first lines of this blog article here, I’m finding myself literally in this movie.

It seems like I’m about to meet a dragon. About to go into a fight where I know, that I have no chance of winning.

That lames me, that stiffles me, an image that is so frightening that my body turns hot and cold and hot again. It’s my story. I see the beast, the ugly, someone with power over me.

I feel weak, like a slave. My heart is beating fast. My hands are sweaty. (It reminds me to my first fight I fought in the Muay Thai rings in Thailand.)

I’m not who I am. I’m turning into an animal – stressed – like it’s about dead or alive.

But then, I open up my eyes, and I find myself in one of my favourite coffee places. I look around. I see the beauty. There’s no threat, there’s no dragon. My body recovers, I see how my stress levels decrease. I’m astonished.

What the heck did just happen?

What a nightmare that was for me just before. It felt so real. We human beings have this incredible tool of thought. We can make things real. Just by thought alone.

Stepping back into the present moment, reflecting back I realised, it was just a story.

That’s where I want to hook in today with you. Because our stories define our lives. And our minds are incredibly great in making up those stories…

In fact, our ego lives by those stories. They create our identity – what we think we are.

Let’s explore those thoughts how we can point out our limiting stories and how we can move beyond fear and stress into a place of love.

If  you love your story, you love your life.

What’s reality?

It’s fascinating how the mind can transform the beauty into a beast. And by saying that, I literally mean that we create our own reality. By thought alone, we make nightmares real. It affects the way we feel, the way we walk through life.

It affects the way we show up.

Btw. we can become addicted to our victim stories. I’ve studied this phenomena last year. Basically, a stressful thought releases dopamines of stress in our bodies. Changing your story can be hard. Because it’s like you’re going on an emotional rehab. It’s like switching from a fastfood lifestyle to an organic diet. In the beginning it just feels unfamiliar. That’s why most people rather choose to live by their limiting thought patterns, instead of making a conscious change in their thinking. Change means stepping out of your comfort-zone into an unfamiliar environment. (If you’re interested in how this all works: Dr. Joe Dispenza has a whole research project on that – super inspiring stuff, or read my previous article “The way to become a more social and loving person” on how our thoughts can literally change our personality.)

Once we change the story we can literally change our lives.

But before we can see the illusion of the dragon, we need to have the courage to open our eyes.

Heaven and Hell

I had this thought a couple weeks back that: What if heaven and hell are in the same place? What if there’s no real difference. What if it’s just about the perception we have about the world?

You can see the beautiful tree or you can see the ugly branches… You either live in an ugly world or in a world full of beauty…

In the book “Man’s search for meaning” Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl talks about his spiritual lessons, happiness and a sense of fulfillment while living in the Nazi-Concentration camps. An incredible book.

On the other hand, Robin Williams one of the funniest people I’ve ever seen on TV. He made the whole world laugh. And everybody loved him. He had the perfect carreer – In 2014 he committed suicide.

I’m pointing out those stories because heaven can be hell – and hell can be heaven… What if there’s no difference? What if the only difference lies in our thinking? In the meaning we give to what’s happening?

In last weeks article I wrote about dealing with emotional pain and I realised that the emotional pain is only painful when I give a meaning to it – when I attach a victim story: Dealing with emotional pain.

But what if there’s no good an bad?

What if everyone around us would be a friend in the first place?

Living in a world of friends. From fear of other people to love.

I’ve created this monster in my head. I created this story. A story that is not even true, but it let me feel frustration, fear, anxiety.

I reacted. My whole body did. I felt bad.

We suffer as long as we live by those stressful stories. And as long as we believe them to be true.

I don’t want to focus on changing the other person and other excuses. What I want to point out here is that your own story – that is judging the other person as a ‘dragon’ as someone evil – is affecting the way you show up. 

Because when we are defensive, when we are stressed we live in survival mode, there is literally no room for creation. We close up. We fail to listen, we fail to have a clear picture about reality.

Let’s change the story

What if there are no dragons on the outside?

Social anxiety issues exist because of our thinking about others. We think others are evil. They are judging us. We think they will hurt us… When in fact… we are the only ones who are judging (and hurt) us.

And this is totally normal. It’s in fact one of the most common issues our society faces. Most people are just not conscious about it – e.g. when they need to check their cellphone for no reason.

But the great thing is: We can still decide in what world we would like to live in.

A wrong story creates disconnection, depression, loneliness, panic attacks.

On our coaching retreats we’ve had people totally changing their lives. After years of social anxiety they felt free, happy, became so playful and fun. They were able to express themselves fully – without holding back.

What happened? They were able to change their thinking.

When strangers become friends. When fear turns into love.

What if everyone you meet would be a friend in the first place? Or imagine falling in love with everyone you see.

Today we ‘fall in fear’ but I know, that it can be the other way round.

So in my case today, I’m actually about to meet a human being. So lovable, so pure. Someone that just want’s to be happy… as much as I do. That’s the truth. 

When I was around 20 years old, I was living by those limiting stories – without recognising. It felt so real.

Like today, every now and then – it happens to me, I start to dream and watch the inner horror-movie. But when I wake up from this stressful story, such a big feeling of gratitude overcomes me.

Becoming aware of your horror-stories, is like waking up from a dream… And we realise “Woah, it was just a story.”

You create a better world. You create better relationships.

It doesn’t matter how tought the circumstances are. If we are not buying into our story, we automatically stop labeling people. We can show up from a place of love. Towards everyone.

  • How would I show up, if I wouldn’t judge this person as a dragon?
  • How would I show up if I would see this person as a lovable human being in the first place?

My dad once told me when I was around 14 years old: “Whenever you are afraid, angry or disappointed by someone – send love and wish him or her peace”

As we look closer, we eventually find out, that whatever we face in our life is just our own projection. It has nothing to do with the other person. It is just our own dragon…

The dragon is not the other person. The dragon is me.

… And your dragon is lovable. (Read my article on how to overcome fear here).

Imagine a world where people would encounter each other without any horror-labeling but meet each other from a place of love first. What would be different? What’s the first thought that comes to your mind? Let us know in the comments below!

We are creating change here. Because I realised that as I put aside my stories and start to show up from a place of love – my relationships change. People respond differently. The lighten up. They open up. We connect. We create what we all truly want. A space of love and connection.

Are you inspired?

Then please share this with your friends! Don’t forget to comment below. I’m grateful for every single comment, every single read! Thanks for being here!


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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.

Comments (2)

  1. reginaldo

    That’s true, we must love our neighbours like us; we must forgive and forget, we must see people like friends and brothers not enemies, we must bless people with words instead of cursing them, because whatever a man sows is what shall reap!!!
    That’s why i have learned to live in the world of loving people rather to hate and dispising them!!!

    Am so grateful with the lesson, is so powerful!!!

    • Sam Ryter

      Hey Reginaldo! Thank you so much for sharing! It’s amazing to read your insights!

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