31. January 2017 Sam Ryter

Real Talk: Meet people on an intimate level (7min read)

I love to connect to others and to meet people on an intimate level. I feel so much aliveness within me – when I can just be me. When I can take off my mask and release all the effort. That’s when we meet each other on a true level.

I don’t know if you’ve had similar experiences, but I love to be in that space of trust and love – without boundaries. It is so energizing, so fulfilling to meet someone on that level and I believe this world deserves more of those moments. I believe we don’t give ourselves enough permission for such experiences.

That’s what I want to dive into with you today. Over the last years, I was able to learn some very interesting things about the nature of the human being. And today, I’d like to share with you some insights I got from my work as a coach – and the lessons I’ve learned.

What coaching taught me about meeting people on an intimate level

Coaching people on a deep level has taught me so much over the last 2 years. I have been mentored by such great personalities and was able to learn and experience so many different aspects of the human psyche, and how we function as human beings.

After all, there is one fundamental thing for me that stood out.

In order to create a deep bond and to meet someone on a genuine and intimate level, a space of trust and love is required.

To me, this has less to do with coaching but more with the basic understanding of creating human connections and relationships in our lives.

It’s an act of humanity and without it, we don’t get to the core. It’s so important. And yet I see a society lacking in understanding those simple foundations.

A lack of understanding in this area is a reason for stressful relationships, unfulfilling sex, misunderstandings, fear, separations and much more. (Read “Sex: Where society fails”)

Relationships are effortless

I had to understand that, when I meet someone, it’s about releasing all the effort. It’s about taking off the mask. To surrender to each other. To accept all aspects of the other person, and ultimately all aspects of yourself.

That’s really when 2 people meet. That’s really when the miracles can start to be created in my coaching-sessions. And that’s when we truly engage in our everyday life.

It’s an illusion that relationships have to be ‘engineered’. It’s an illusion that relationships are complicated. In fact it only gets complicated if we try to control an outcome.

But releasing the effort and getting in the present moment and actually enjoying and appreciating the moment, is a tantric way of being. As we understand this, our relationships will expand in quality.

In a society of outcome, of achieving, of approval, of competition, this effortless way of being has been forgotten. We want to engineer great and deep connections, the minds are running. And then the whole thing gets confusing.

Creating a safe space

Fear starts, when we are focussing on the little me – on our own struggles instead of creating this space of trust.

It was huge for me, when I realised that not only in my coaching, but also in my life, a big part of establishing a connection is to create a space of safety and trust for both of us.

It’s not only about me. But because of the resistance to our insecurities and flaws, we tend to fight these inner battles with ourselves in the presence of others. What happens is that we are mentally not really there with the other person.

But the space I’d like to meet others, is a space where everything is okay. Where everything can come up. A space of acceptance. An acceptance of all the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’.

Once this is created – I know – I feel – I am truly meeting the other person.



Fear of intimacy

I had this amazing conversation last week with a client of mine, and she eventually said: “I realised that I can give this space of trust and love to anyone I meet – including myself.”

To me that’s exactly what it means to take leadership. To be an example of change.

We live in a society that is afraid of intimacy. We are afraid of not being enough. Afraid of not being loved. And we try to hide who we really are. We are conditioned to be afraid of each other.

That fear creates the separation. It creates disconnection.

But instead of trying to resist to those facts (what we do naturally), how about we start to understand? Because all that fear is, is just the absence of love.

What would happen if our ‘goal’ would be to give this feeling of love and trust to everyone we meet? What happens if we would be conscious about the fact that everyone has insecurities and we would give permission to both, us and to the opposite to have them?

We’re all human beings right? That’s where we start to feel each other. It’s a release. A liberation of that weight we constantly carry with us.

Over and over again, I’m astonished on how liberating it is for people to finally take off this mask. To make real talk., to give up, to release all effort, to be human and to feel that we are already connected.

It often ends up in tears. 

Seeing this release of pressure shows so clearly how harsh we were on ourselves in the past.

The depth of your relationships is the depth you have with yourself

And at the end of the day it really comes back to yourself. The depth of your relationships is the depth you have with yourself. Depth to me is acceptance. Allowance. Self-love and a sense that “I’ll be alright, whatever happens…”

As I am accepting myself for my own insecurities, flaws and mistakes, I can shift my focus to the other person, I can take off my mask, and relax into the situation – I can ENJOY. (Read more on meeting your own dragon here)

I believe that too many times, people just ‘talk’ with each other without really communicating.

It only takes one person to connect

I see a misperception that it takes always 2 people to create a connection. But the work of Byron Katie lifted me on a different understanding.

What if it only takes one person to connect?

What if I can be connected to you, even when you are totally somewhere else in your mind?

And that’s the space that is so precious. I believe our happiness, our contentment, our presence is the biggest gift we can give to someone.

Can you go as deep with yourself to accept all that you are, and shift your focus on enjoying the company of the other person?

Focus on giving that space to meet people on an intimate level

Let’s change the focus from ‘being good enough’ to creating this space of trust and love for other people.

Because that’s when people start to open up, when people start to trust, when people start to truly engage.

Deep down, this is what we want. It’s a human commonality, we want to be loved and to give love.

Every single action we take is because we think it makes us happy eventually.

Let’s bring more kindness into the world, let’s have deeper connections with each other, let’s love more and create better and more honest relationships and meet people on an intimate level.

That’s where the magic between human beings happens.

It’s a simple switch in showing up from being a victim to being a leader. A leader that allows to be human again.

What was the most intimate connection you’ve ever had in your life? And what would happen if our ‘goal’ would be to give this feeling of love and trust to everyone we meet?

Let me know in the comments below.

Are you inspired?

Then please share this with your friends and don’t forget to comment below! Thanks for being here!


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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.