29. November 2016 Sam Ryter

Sex: Where Society Fails (8min read)

Why sex is causing more emotional pain, frustration, shame and anger rather than joy and connection and why a whole society has been taught into a rabbit-hole of dumbness. Welcome to the modern society of bad sex.

Today, I really had this urge to write about sex. I feel there is a lot to talk about. It seems that sex is a topic that everyone is interested in but only a few actually dare to have an honest conversation about it.

Sex, the most natural thing – the reason why you are here… It’s a part of life and it’s essential for our existence. Still, the school-system rather talks about more ‘important’ things… such as the Pythagoras formula.

Porn, other media and weird untrue stories become the teachers instead. Multiple generations are already affected by an unfulfilling love-life and a lot of stress around that topic.

In fact, at the moment, the whole value setting of our society is missing out on the most essential things, the fundamentals of human connections, and we grow up with values that disconnect us more and more from each other (I’ll publish a whole article on that next week).

The point is that human connections get completely ignored in the modern value system. Today’s society is more about impressing others. It’s about competing and being better than others and eventually those modern values are roots of what creates the separation, the depression, the feeling of not being enough, of not being understood.

Modern values fuck up intimate connections… and sex

Only a few see, that the ability to connect with someone else is what determines the quality of sex.

But most are not aware of that. Porn teaches a whole different philosophy. The modern philosophy. Of objectifying the other person, of performance… and good sex is defined by lasting longer, fucking harder, having bigger titts, and larger dicks.

We live in a society where 20 years old kids take Viagra, in order to perform better. We live in a world where so many relationships fall apart because of an inexistent or frustrating sex-life. A world where there is so much pain and confusion in both, boys and girls, men and women about their sexuality.

My fear of not being enough was killing my sexlife

I’ve lived in that world, with that constant tension within me, not knowing if I’m man enough. Afraid to ejaculate too early. Or not getting my dick hard… Afraid that my body wouldn’t work as I wanted him to work and that I would lose my sense of masculinity.

Well… this was the way I got conditioned. Frankly by media.

I was living with a blueprint in my mind, that didn’t allow me to enjoy sex. It was more about my performance than appreciating the moment. What a way to think…

At the same time I’m very, very fortunate to have experienced a sexual revolution very early on in my life. It let me to zoom out. It made me realise about the lie I was living…

At this point I realised that my sexual issues were all created by my mind. And later on as I started to do professional work and coaching with leaders and people all around the globe, I realised whenever the topic sex came up, that 99% of the sexual issues had psychological roots.

This revolution and zooming out has led me to help already tens of thousands of people to see the bigger picture and to get rid of their tension and fears when it comes to have sex with another person.

So with this article, I want to clean up the mind. Even if it’s just a little bit.

As you can imagine, this topic is huge. And there is so much to clarify. I’ve made a whole program on that last year, but let’s start with the foundation.

I believe, if people would understand those principles it would change the world and the way we interact with each other completely.

1. Sex does not equal separation

Sex is the deepest physical connection you can have with another human being. And it is as well an emotional one.

Sex is not separating you from the other person. It’s an act of connection. That sounds simple right? But still, we live in a society that hypes the physical aspects and mostly forgets about the emotional connection. That’s why sex has become a mostly egoistic act.

It’s all about me, my performance, that I’m good enough etc.

People have sex based on fear, that’s why they can’t enjoy the moment. It’s always outcome oriented, without realising that sex is not about the outcome at all.

Sex is not separating. It’s not about you. Sex is connecting, in all ways. For that we need to stop trying to impress each other in the bedroom, to think less and to feel more.

The ‘ego-sex’ might be satisfying at first. For me, as a man, it has always given me a sense of short-term self-worth. It gave me a feeling of strength and I felt masculine (that’s what happens when men define their masculinity by the amount of sex they have with other women).

But even though, those experiences, where giving me the short-term highs, they have never been truly fulfilling. It seemed that those occasions just filled an empty emotional hole within me. An insecurity that was craving for approval.

In fact, ego-sex creates separation  and loneliness.

I’ve always felt that there are two ways of having sex. Sex based on love and co-creation energizes and empowers you (sometimes for days). Sex based on the ego and fear drains your energy.

But when people awaken, and realise that sex is not about them only. Then they can actually expand and drop their fears. It becomes a co-creation. And that’s where a purely incredible experience starts.

2. Dropping the mask to connect

Sex is something where you merge with another person. Where you trust the other person. Where you drop your mask. Where you show your flaws. Where you let go.

Now, so many times people have sex just because their values tell them to do so. It’s being forced.

There is so much pain created in this world because people miss out on the point of letting go. They want to control. But sex is nothing to be forced because you can’t force a connection.

So much shame and guilt and so much disconnection. Because people can’t let go. Because people think about an outcome instead of enjoying the moment.

So what it takes to surrender is trust. Trust in the other person as well as trust in our selves.

I see sex as the ultimate form of trust. I haven’t experienced a higher level of surrendering and a deeper sense of connection yet. So really, it is a sacred act.

I believe, too many times people are not aware of that, and they hurry up.

But where is the point in having sex, when both don’t feel save?

There is no fulfilling sex without trust. There is no deep connection without honesty.

You can’t have truly enriching and fulfilling sex while being afraid of intimacy.

That’s when people are stuck in their heads, because their insecurity is stronger than the appreciation of the moment. That’s not sex. That is overthinking.

Sex is about dropping the masks that try to show you in the best light. (more about dropping the mask here: The Liberation of Giving Up on Being Perfect)

The ultimate form of sex is giving ALL of you. This eventually is absolute strength. The strength to show your weaknesses. To give up on the ideas society or you gave yourself.

There is no hurry. Rather the ones who don’t even try to force it and take their time until there is a space of trust created will have a pure and beautiful experience.

Once we trust, once we feel safe, we can let go of the insecurities and we can shift from our own fears into appreciation of the moment (if you’re having sex or not, this doesn’t really matter), and into appreciation of the other person.

This is where fear shifts to love. Where there is nothing that can go wrong anymore. When there is no outcome, then sex becomes a tantric experience.

3. You can’t measure great sex

Knowing that, proofs that there is no ‘performance’ needed, at all. It’s not about the size, the complexity of positions, the duration and all the measurable facts.

You can’t measure great sex because sex is about connecting and having an experience together.

What a release that was to me as a man. I lost all the pressure to perform. I realised that it really is about the moment and about trusting each other, about sharing an experience. And not about my performance.

From that place the magic happens. Because as we detach from a need to perform we can relax into the moment. We can enjoy. We feel the energy. We appreciate. And we can start to experience what we can’t describe in words.

There’s pure love. And that’s what we are all looking for deep inside. Not the validation, not the social proof, it’s the love.

Focus on love and everything else dissolves. It’s the place where you start feeling the other person. It’s the place where you become one. Where you merge. Where you forget time and space around you.

Be an example of change

So many people don’t know. So many people are not aware of what actually counts. And that creates so much pain. So much frustration. And yet, it is so simple.

But what I believe we all can do, is to show up from a better place. With a better example.

You can step into a leader role and slow it down. To feel, to help others become aware. To send all the love you have to the other person. To appreciate, to stop forcing it but to enjoy.

To focus on the beauty of the other person, on the beauty of the moment. The beauty of the intimacy you’re sharing.

Then sex transcends into ‘making love’. It will empower you. It will strenghten you and the other person.

And you can be a part of a revolution. A revolution where people make love again, rather than ‘making fear’.


What else important to you when it comes to have sex? Leave your comment below and let’s start a discussion!

It's not what you do, but how you make people feel during sex that makes the difference.

Give your gift of appreciation and everything else becomes a bonus.

Are you interested in the fundamentals in connecting with others? Read this article here: THE 3 BASIC STEPS TO HAVE GREAT RELATIONSHIPS WITH ANYONE


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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.

Comments (2)

  1. reginaldo

    Hi am so grateful with the topic, it makes me go deeper in full understanding what sex exactly mean, and how to go through it as well out of fear, and insecurity.
    i have no questions right, i only thank you for this such great and powerful topic.

    peace and Joy to you my Dear coach!


    • Sam Ryter

      Thank you so much Reginaldo! That gives me so much energy to keep writing and do all this! thanks, I highly appreciate it! <3 Take care

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