6. September 2016 Sam Ryter

How to turn a lack of confidence into a strength (8min read)

Are you facing times, when you feel a lack of confidence? When you feel unworthy, unloved or not good enough? In this article I will share with you my experience in my work with high performing individuals and how you can convert a lack of confidence into a strength of yours.

Editors notes:

Find the Youtube Video to this article down below at the bottom of the page.

Listen to the mp3 version of this article.


A lack of confidence is something we all face at times. Even the most successful people I’m connected with.

There is only a subtle difference between fulfilled, extraordinary people and people and the big mass.  It’s not that they are superhuman, or spiritually much more evolved. It’s simply how they handle those thoughts, emotions and believes.

This article won’t erase your limiting thoughts and believes. As you will find out later, it’s never about erasing or avoiding. But this article will give you an idea on how to handle situations when you feel unworthy, unloved, not confident, so that you can find a core stability within yourself.

We start with 2 major insights about confidence and how you can handle times when you don’t feel confident at all.

Insight 1# Confidence is not something static

Like everything in life. Our feelings are in a constant flow. We ALL experience Up’s and down’s.

I’m sure you have experienced moments in your live where you felt incredibly secure, strong, unshakable and powerful. It seemed that everything you touched turned into gold.

But there were also other days where we didn’t feel like doing anything. Where we feel small, unworthy, even stupid. We don’t feel strong enough to do anything.

The interesting thing is, that these ups and downs happen not only to people we consider as ‘broken’. I’ve seen it in people with 6 figure businesses, people who we consider as successful. People, who we admire, people who we would never expect. It happens to all of us at times.

Insight 2# Confidence is not something to be found outside.

Confidence is not something to be found outside, and that’s something I see in almost all the people I work with (highly successful or not) and even from myself.

Confidence is not a destination – and it’s an illusion to think that one day we will be there once we’ve achieved a certain thing.

Confidence is the way back to you. It comes from within and not from the outside. Money can’t buy it.

Lately I met one of the most successful poker-players in the world and we talked about success. What he told me was such a beautiful message that shows so clearly that confidence is not something we gain from the outside, it’s an inner attitude we have to ourselves. After I asked him about his fears he said:

„Sam, I’ve had a major breakdown last year. I was at the point where I achieved everything I wanted. I had the more money than I could spend, I had a beautiful girlfriend, an amazing apartment, a BMW… and I realized that the self-doubts were still here. The  fears were still there. I still had bad days. I realized that this inner sense of confidence comes from within, and it doesn’t matter what we achieve or how successful we are, if we don’t find the way back to ourselves, we will always be chasing more. We will never feel good enough and never feel fully confident in our own skin.“

How to handle a lack of confidence

There are 2 ways to deal with it. I will explain both. The first way is the way of the victim – the way a majority of people prefer to go, because it ‚seems‘ to be the easier one. The second way is the way of real growth. It’s where we find our true beauty, where true confidence relies in.

The way of the victim: Avoiding the ‚bad’ feeling of not being confident.

Victims of their emotions are trapped and depended on how they feel in order to bring their truest gift to the world.

…As soon as they feel bad, they try to distract themselves.

Those actions of avoidance can be found literally everywhere. And we all, at some point find ourselves in the victim role. E.g. procrastination, overeating, Facebook and other addictions – overthinking is one of the most common avoidance mechanisms.

What do they do? They distract us from the ‚bad‘ feeling. This feels good for a moment. But at the same time we supress something. We avoid ourselves.

By supressing those feelings, we don’t resolve them but we store them internally. These supressed feelings have a big influence on the way we show up and respond to life.

The way of real self-love: Facing  those feelings.

Real self-love is facing those feelings and not running away from them. By facing them, we start to understand more about ourselves.

As we find love with our flaws, we find out that there’s nothing wrong with ‘feeling uncomfortable’ or not confident at times.

When we realise that we don’t need to be perfect, that these feelings come and go anyways and that they have nothing to do with us, we allow ourselves to step out of the victim role and to create from our hearts.

Those, who are not afraid of themselves and of others, are the ones who accept themselves for their flaws. Those are the ones who don’t block themselves from their true potential.

We can acknowledge the fact that we don’t feel confident and then decide to focus on love and not on fear. This takes courage. But this is ultimately how confidence is built.

writing-journal

Writing as a way to face yourself. Photo by MindJournal.

Reframing of confidence

We are all human. Everyone has flaws, mistakes, fears. It doesn’t matter what we have and where we are.

Now, what I see, in our world is that instead of, is this inner battle of „I have to be confident, I have to feel good, I have to be the person I expect myself to be.“ – And we get frustrated, disappointed if we are not.

As soon as this inner battle starts, we lose the focus on what’s most important. We get caught up in thoughts and we lose momentum.

Associating confidence with ‘constantly feeling good’ is what makes us freak out when we don’t feel like crushing it. We either ignore or fight our feelings. We force ourselves to feel good. But that’s exactly how we fail.

Whatever we resist persists.

Confidence is being ok with the good and the bad

Confidence is not just feeling good. Real confidence is to be okay with both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ feelings.

It’s an illusion to think that we have to feel good, powerful, perfect, all the time and if we don’t, we fail.

It’s not reality.

You are already amazing

There is something within you that makes us do the wonderful things in life. There’s something within you that people love about you. You show it when you don’t even try to. Often your closest people in your life get it. They see it, because you show it all the time – often exactly then, when you don’t realize it.

Accepting all of you

Having flaws is what makes you human. Everyone has them and as you own them, you can’t lose anymore.

This is what makes you authentic, charismatic. This is what makes people real and ultimately this is what makes people respect you.

There’s nothing more valuable to people when they feel that someone speaks their truth. When someone is real. When someone is speaking from the heart and not from the head.

Like a kid. Because they are role models in many ways. They are connected to themselves. They speak their truth. They love.

kids-are-rolemodels

Kids are role models in many ways. Photo by Frank McKenna

Confidence is being authentic

There are times we don’t feel ‘confident’. But not feeling confident doesn’t mean we have to shrink and play small.

In fact, these are the most precious moments, to embrace yourself fully. To say: “Yes, I don’t feel confident now, but I’m still okay with myself, I still can do what I love.”

If you listen to yourself, these moments become the best teachers and the biggest chances to grow. Not on an external, but on an internal level. On a level where you meet yourself.

Accepting yourself for not being on top of the game – all the time – and for not being perfect, is real confidence. This is what will make you stand out from the mass.

We have discovered it over and over again while working together with highly successful people. What ultimately frees people from concern is the freedom of the self. That’s a place of creation, of love, of ultimate energy.

Confidence comes from self-respect

Now, this is the time to make a decision. Have the courage to accept your weaknesses. Honesty builds confidence.

You can take leadership. Step by step. You don’t have to run away anymore from yourself. Stay true. Give yourself the love. You deserve it.

This is the time where you can decide to grow. To become confident. Truly confident. With all, the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’, aspects.

The world is waiting. Allow yourself to shine!

Watch the Video

Question: What works best for you when you find yourself being ‘unconfident’? Leave your answer in the comments!

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PS. If you want to join us to the adventure of your lifetime, that will reconnect you back to your true self and set you’re path for a successful future go on www.backtofreedomretreat.com where we take 10 selected people on a journey of self-transformation in Costa Rica.

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The main picture of this article was shot by Joshua Earle. Thank you so much. You can find his art here: joshuaearlephotography.com/findyourphoto

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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.