22. November 2016 Sam Ryter

“I can’t connect to him” – The case of the unfulfilled relationship (6min read)

What does it take to connect deeply with others? As human beings, we have this drive to experience deep connections with each other. This story shows how usually people end up in an unfulfilled relationship and how you can change the quality of your connections with others.

I would like to share the case of the unfulfilled relationship with you. Many of you might resonate with this.

If it’s a love relationship (like in this case) or another relationship like at work or elsewhere, doesn’t really matter. The priciples are the same.

While reading this story of a beautiful young lady named Maria, I would like to encourage you to see also the bigger picture, and maybe you can spot out how certain patterns showed up in your life already.

“I can’t connect to him!”

Maria is a beautiful young lady. She heard about the work I do, and the results from a friend of hers. She is not a person who procrastinates, so she immediately reached out to me, to find out if I could help her…

I invited her to have a conversation. And this is where the story starts…

We as human beings, have all core needs and desires, fears and an incredible gift of love for this world. Sam Ryter

Maria was worried about her relationship with her boyfriend. She was concerned, and not sure where to take this whole thing.

He’s a great man, she said, but he often closes down to her and she has never been really able to connect with him.

Controlling others leads to an unfulfilled relationship

Not feeling connected with someone is in fact not the best thing to experience a great relationship.

There are usually a couple of reasons behind that. Some of those are not in our power, as a relationship also involves (at least) another person. Trying to control the behaviour of another person just ends up in an exhausting battle we can’t win (btw. this is the source of almost all breakups and divorces).

But there is a part we can focus on, a part where we have the power to change. And that’s the way WE show up in that relationship.

Challenging your perception on others and the way you show up

“He is a closed guy”. Was that really true?

People are mirrors to us and I’m often curious about what’s behind statements like “He/She is…”

Sometimes we need to zoom out. And see the bigger picture. When we are in the ‘little me’-mode we often blind ourselves to what’s actually going on and what’s affecting the relationship we have.

Together we zoomed out and for the first time, Maria started to see the whole story from a neutral point of view.

What she realised is, something that changed her relationship completely in the future. She realised that she was the one that actually showed up closed off. She was the one that didn’t speak her truth.

That ended up in cold interactions a feeling of unsafetyness.

She loved her boyfriend, but it wasn’t really about him. To connect deeply with someone we have to surrender, we have to feel save, we have to feel accepted. And it’s interesting that even Maria – such a beautiful young women – had a lack of confidence. She was afraid of not being enough, afraid of just being herself. Afraid of speaking her truth.

Relationships are interesting. Sometimes we match, sometimes not. With some people we get on well, with some not. We can’t really control that, and we go crazy when we try hard to make it happen.

But what we can do is to look at ourselves. And bring in our part. The best of us.

an unfulfilled relationship can be resolved by looking at ourselves first

Keeping only this in mind, can already change your life completely.

The way to others goes via the way to ourselves

I have no idea if this sub-title even makes sense, but sometimes we need to learn to love ourselves in order to open up. We need to accept ourselves for our flaws. Because if we don’t, we would always need to be someone we’re not in order to feel good enough, and that’s very exhausting and tiring by time.

It was beautiful to see how Maria was able to forgive herself. It was emotional but incredibly healing. So often we punish ourselves for what we aren’t and we forget to see what we actually can be proud of, what we are, what we have.

Usually people hide their beauty that goes beyond their looks. They take on a mask, to cover their insecurities, not realising that, with that, they cover also their full potential of connecting deeply with others.

Having a great relationships is something we can’t control, it needs 2 people, but we can always provide our part, when we start to forgive ourselves.

Human beings connect with human beings and not with images of perfection. Later Maria came to realise that she is most beautiful when she can drop her mask and just BE Maria. That experience alone is what I wish to everyone on this planet.

A fulfilling relationship needs trust, and for that we need to trust ourselves first. A fulfilling relationship includes love. And to experience that we need to learn to love ourselves first.

An this includes all sorts of relationships we have in our lives.

The most effortless relationships happen then, when we don’t try to impress anyone, they happen then when we can speak our truth.

This has almost become a skill nowadays, because in a world of competition, most have forgotten the essentials of connecting with others.

Stop controlling start giving

Sadly, often relationships don’t work because people are not aware of those facts. They seek the problems from the outside. And try to fix things they can’t.

All Maria could do was looking inside. And start to see the beauty within her. This experience was so powerful, it changed her whole life.

The relationship with her boyfriend became much deeper. Because as she started to trust herself, and to give trust – her boyfriend also started to take off the mask.

To me, presence is one of the biggest gifts we can give to someone, but too often we miss to do so, because we are way too absorbed with our own worries. Being stuck in the head with own fears doesn’t serve any relationship.

But this experience not only changed the relationship to Marias boyfriend. Her whole way of how she showed up in the world became so much different.

She realised the things she can’t control (being liked by others) and started to focus on what she actually can (giving herself the love and staying true to herself).

Shifts like that happen when we remember how powerful we are. It happens then when we allow ourselves to be human again. It’s transformational. And in a world full of competition we often forget about who we are.

Internal freedom leads to external freedom

But the world is and will be a better place the more people experience this sort of internal self acceptance. This feeling of inner freedom. It’s a gift, one of the biggest we can give to ourselves. The permission to shine!

This is what I believe everyone deserves. But this sadly is also something they don’t teach you in school. But we all have access to it. Sometimes a simple experience of gratitude can shift everything.

Unfulfilled relationships are usually rooted in a sense of incompleteness within ourselves.

The essence of truly fulfilling relationships.

Questions, insights and your own stories?!

Please share your thoughts on this article. What did you get out from this? Leave it in the comment area. I look forward to read your insights!

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Names and details have been changed for the sake of privacy.

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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.

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