6. December 2016 Sam Ryter

Modern values create social separation (6min read)

Everyone is connected digitally to others, but less and less people actually connect in the ‘real’ world – from human to human. As we grow up, we learn to separate ourselves from one another and over the years, this leads to frustration, fear of not being enough, loneliness, even depression. One major root of it, are the values that we learn to live by…

“It is a society of fear we live in. Fear of one another.” I had this thought by the age of 20. Simultaneously, I noticed how much I tried to be enough, how much I tried to impress others… rather than expressing my true nature.

It wasn’t that my social life was completely messed up. But yet I felt there was something missing. There was something within me, that just was craving for something deeper, a sense of pure connection a sense of pure love.

So I looked it up, and I came across many teachings that separated me even more from others. Those where the teachings who taught to behave in certain ways, say certain things,  mirroring the other person and so on…

Unfortunately everything that was teaching ways to ‘impress’ the opposite, never truly worked, as it lead me away from who I truly was. It was based on fear, and nobody really wants to live in fear. All I wanted… was love.

But how about: We are not separate?

When the student is ready the teacher appears and I feel I had to go through those struggles to realise some things that changed my life completely, that gave me so much freedom, that helped me to find my true nature in a place where I felt completely lost, where I didn’t have to think, and to pretend to be someone I wasn’t.

It changed my paradigm, where I asked myself:

How about if we’re not separated in the first place? How about if connection and expression is our default?

Science proves that nowadays and kids prove it daily.

It seems that kids are so connected to their true nature, to themselves and everything they encounter, is encountered with joy, curiousity and love.

Love is our default… Until we get conditioned to believe something different.

From that place, I started to see where the suffering comes from and it actually brought me on the path that I’m now. It is beautiful to see that those changes not only helped me, but through them I was able to help hundrets of people already.

The fear of not being enough, the separation, the fear of not being loved though is controlling millions of lives and it creates so much trouble, pain, fights and unfulfilled relationships. But it’s not our default. It’s just our blueprint, our beliefs that separate us from others.

I discovered as one of the biggest roots of it all, were the values that we live by.

Today I would like to dive into those values with you, and maybe it will give you a different perspective about yourself, your life and your world around you.

1. Values of fear (external values)

What often spontaneously comes up in discussions with people about the major values of our society are: Attractiveness, Achievement, Respect, Success… and so on.

I call them the external values. They are focussed on the outside-in (on what we get from the outside). Many of us live by them, as we learn since we’re small kids to be successful, to be better than others, to have better grades, to look beautiful, to not cry, to be strong…and so on…

In fact, based on anthropologists the 5 top values of Americans (and this pretty much represents the western world) are:

  1. Personal Control over the Environment
  2. Change
  3. Time & Its Control
  4. Equality
  5. Individualism/Privacy

Right followed by competition. (link to the study here)

It seems clear to me how having those values separate us from one another. It’s about control in the first place. Directness/Openness/Honesty  is ranked 10th. Things like cooperation or contribution are not even on the list.

Those values in our society are usually fear based. As they come from a place of lack. And we live by those values because we believe they will make us happy. What they do instead is, they separate us from one another.

How can we feel love and openness to others when our values are based on competition, on being better than others… When our values are based on separation?

So what happens is, people put on their masks (full article here) and try to impress each other. We start to look for ourselves only, we’re afraid to share, afraid to give too much…

That’s what creates the loneliness. That’s what creates the frustration and that’s why people are afraid of being themselves. We rather connect via facebook with each other (because it’s safer). We don’t trust. Not others… but most importantly not ourselves.

We try to measure success, attractiveness, achievement… and it’s a constant chase, because there is always someone better than us.

The little me against the world.

2. Values of love (internal values)

I know there’s more behind those external values. And that’s the place where we truly meet another human being. That’s when emotions and feelings come into play.

When love takes overhand and not fear. Where we are not afraid to lose something but where we can give unconditionally.

When we dig deeper and learn more about ourselves we find what we truly value in our lives, we find what’s truly important – not what society tells you, not what you’re supposed to value – no, what’s truly important to you.

And this is where we become our own teacher, this is the next level. When we arise from the little victim and connect to a greater self.

We find values that have nothing to do with our ego. But with what makes us human beings. I call them the internal values, as they come from the inside-out. From a place of love.

According to Wayne Dyer those values shift dramatically. They become things such as:

  • Happiness and Peace
  • Generousity
  • Contribution
  • Personal growth
  • Honesty

This is our default. And the interesting thing is that those values are places to ‘come from’ and not to ‘get to’.

Living from those values gives us an experience where we can’t lose anymore. Because it’s not about winning or losing it’s more about living. There’s no separation anymore because we understand that we are not against others. We focus on giving and not on taking. That’s what sets people free.

Little acts of kindness remove the feeling of separation and connect us truly.

Little acts of kindness remove the feeling of separation and connect us truly.

The shift

I believe every value has it’s place in our own personal evolution and therefore I don’t believe that there are either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ values.

But it’s important to know that our own values have an effect on our lives. They lead our behaviour, the way we show up, the way we interact with people.

It’s not us, it’s our values that create a sense of separation. And being aware of that can be incredibly powerful.

I can speak out of personal experience and the experience past clients. Once we shift our own internal world, the outer world changes.

Once we spot out those outdated values of fear that don’t really serve us, that drive us crazy and we consciously shift away from them to values that actually give us a sense of peace, happiness, love. Then we experience a whole different world. Different relationships, more energy and we allow ourselves to live in flow, to express ourselves, to take off the masks, to enjoy and to BE. Like we all deserve to.

So I would like to invite you to just question your own values your having. Not to change, not to fight, not to supress, but to maybe

just have a look at them. And maybe then we can ask ourselves ‘does this really serve me in the long haul?’

Thank you so much for reading and being here! What value do you see as the most destructive/beneficial in your life? Let me know in the comments.


Success without fulfillment is just a wrong definition of success.

What means success to you?

As you change your focus, your world changes.

As you change your focus, your world changes.

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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.

Comments (4)

    • Sam Ryter

      Thank you so much Sammy! What was your biggest take away?

  1. Hey Sam,
    A wonderful written article! Keep on going with that good work. My favourite value is curiosity. Being curious about new thing is life, which implies try out new things and talk to people you normally wouldn’t talk to. It’s all about understanding things better at the first hand.

    • Sam Ryter

      thank you so much Janos! I highly appreciate it, that gives me so much man!
      Curiousity is such a great value! I believe it makes life more playful. Less serious. Less complicated. In fact I believe, life is simple :) And the purpose of it is to play and to enjoy the ride.

      Take care

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