26. September 2015 Sam Ryter

What Love Really Is

I know it sounds cheesy to the ego. LOVE. It’s a big word. But what is it really. I try to break it down.

Love. Real men don’t talk about that. Don’t we? :) I know and it’s totally understandable, because in our society there lies a huge misunderstanding about it. Love has many facets.

I want to talk about the roots of it, the massive  power which lies behind, and the misunderstanding about the idea of love in our society.

When we hear the word love, the first thought from most of us will be the man-woman-relationship-love. Classic isn’t it? Love is often used in this romantic, sensual, cheesy, girly – almost boring – way. This leads to misunderstandings. Love in its classic way is just not a man’s thing, right? But I know, there is more!

There are also many areas where we experience forms of love. For example, you do specific things you love. Diving, climbing, skiing, playing an instrument, whatever it is, when we truly love what we are doing, then we can let go of everything for it. There’s truly this state of energy flow, which moves us towards creation. It’s not about the result. It’s much more about the process itself. 

“El amor mueve montañas”

There’s massive potential in the action of love. When we truly love something, it feels like we have an incredible amount of energy.

We never get tired. We’re excited and that lets us create big things. In fact, it’s this state of complete surrendering to the outcome, that lets us create magical things. The whole thing becomes pure joy. We become present. Love is so strong but we as men, by society, are not meant to live by that vibration.

True love means giving, supporting each other, compassion and most important: Development of both. Now, the creepy part: Most men find the purest form of love within a best friend. Think about that. A true friend supports you in bad times, a true friend doesn’t bitch around if you’re going out tonight with other guys. But, when you’re together you give each other the biggest gift someone can get. And, that’s pure attention! The interactions are effortless cause there’s nothing to lose. If somethings wrong, they say it immediately. Honesty is the bro-codex and there’s no fear of failure or losing anything. A true friend gives you the advice that he thinks is best for you. You do the same to him. It’s built on trust.

True friends are role models of love, but nobody uses that word in this case. Interesting isn’t it.

Love and the Relationship with Girls

So, why does it work with our best friends? And, why the hell are we failing in “relationships”? Both, men and women. The answer is simple: We are afraid to let go. We are afraid to lose. That’s why a lot of people become attached. This is not love. This is egoism. This is the personal protection of not being alone. The more we become attached, the more we lose our autonomy. When we lose our own values in order to have a relationship, in order to have “love” in our lives, then we’re captivated and not free at all.

Imagine this: You have a girlfriend. Both, you and her, pretend to love each other. It’s all good, but something is missing. Not only guys experience this, also girls. It’s the feeling of not being free at all. Being in a relationship means, for most of us, being attached to certain rules; therefore, people in classical relationships often experience the highs of not being alone and then the downs of not being allowed to completely socialize. “It’s just part of it.” I will break it down why this statement is not true.

So, first of all, we have to be clear about what real love is. Therefore, these 3 simple questions:

  • Is love exhausting or effortless?
  • Is love a good or a bad feeling?
  • Is love giving you something or does it tire you out?

Love, in its purest form, is effortless and clean. In love, we find the power to do amazing things. There’s so much power in it that it can’t be exhausting or a bad feeling. But, the word love is getting abused. To me a reason why there are so many breakups, divorces etc. is the misunderstanding of it. It has become a tool to create pressure in order not to be alone. It’s a common tool in our society to feel full. Love has become an attachment. We set rules and boundaries.

Wait: Love has boundaries? It hurts to say that, but in the idea of our society: Yes. We construct these boundaries. Why? Because, we are afraid to be alone.

Lots of people search for something to complete them without recognizing that they have everything to be complete already.

Let’s transact that to a single-life. So, you’re going out to pick up girls? Seeing them as objects, just to have another “lay”. Man, you’re not using your full potential… You set yourself into a frame you almost can’t break away. You’re missing the most important part. The amazing part, which is fulfilling you. It’s the deep connection, the feeling of love. Playing the game is putting a mask on and you won’t be able to experience this unless you surrender. This is the simple reason why you won’t become fulfilled when you fuck many girls. It’s not about sex, the car, the money, the house. It’s about the feeling of joy. Being in the moment. A form of relaxation, because we have nothing to lose. Then we can focus on the most important things.

So, the pain of the fear of losing something, is the price an attached couple has to pay, the price you have to pay if your purpose is to pick up women. “It’s not perfect, not what I really want, but it’s better than nothing.” Add this sentence to all the areas of your life. Often, we’re getting so much into it, that we pretend to be happy. But, this will never fulfill us. It’s not true love because we’re not able to give unconditionally.

So, by searching for the right partner in order to be loved by someone, we forget something. We forget about what love really is. It comes back to giving unconditionally. By searching for it, we’re having a purpose, which is attached to outcome and designed to fill the emptiness. But, which hole do you have to fill? It’s most likely your ego, which tells you’d be happier with a partner. The sad truth: You won’t be happy there, if you aren’t now. How about some shadow work first?

We’ve forgotten that love is a feeling of only wanting the best for the other. A feeling of support for the other person and of unconditional giving.

The image of love in our society goes in the wrong direction. In the consumer world, we often want it to just have it and not to really feel into it. Love should be used to give. Real love comes from a place of giving, for the best of others. As long as it makes the other person happy. As long if it’s good for the other. You don’t know how? Just take the example of you and your best friend or your family.

Most importantly: There is no attachment. When together we give everything we can. If the time is right to leave, then people move on. Not before and not afterwards – when the time is right. It happens naturally. You don’t spend time with people who you think can’t give you anything anymore. Who tire you out and where there’s no development for both anymore. As soon as this is recognized – we move on. Because, we’re autonomous.

Losing one’s own values in order to have a relationship with someone is toxic. Pick up artists lose their true values. By doing this, you won’t help anybody – not even yourself.

Does the relationship fulfill you or is it just for your ego or your social proof? Are you taking or are you giving without expecting anything back? Do you live by your true values or did you exchange them in order to not be alone or having a specific status. Which of your current relationships do fulfill you most? Think about why? Is it in any resonation with what I just explained in this article?

What kind of love do you want to experience? Do you want to use the full power of it?

Guys! It’s time to use the full potential of it. Be sensitive to it, become aware of the feeling. Take this golden opportunity to create. Use the power, it’s the greatest gift on earth!


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Sam Ryter

Sam Ryter is an author and professional coach. He helps people to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others, the world and themselves.

Comments (2)

  1. Jamie

    That is probably the most truest, honest and factual explanation of love I’ve ever heard. Awesome words Sam x

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